I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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