Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
