the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
