Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
