textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
