I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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