You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize