Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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