If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
