you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
