I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
