Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
