kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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