What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
