I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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