Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
