I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
