apparently the secret to your success is patron
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
