Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
