I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
