I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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