hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
