There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
