Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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