We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
