Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
