I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
And then he peed in my hair
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