Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
