I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
