Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
