Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
