Will you blow on my dice?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I will pee on everything he values.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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