All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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