I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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