need another drink. this is the easiest way
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
