Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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