She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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