He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
