even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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