apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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