worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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