I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
