god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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