I got chris browned last night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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