My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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