why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
