I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
