I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
