Someone shit on the floor
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Randomize
