Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
