Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
