someone threw a dead crab at me
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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