wrigley field is MILF paradise
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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