You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
