remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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