oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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