I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
