Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
