Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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