What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
