And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
