I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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